Ye olde (yet slightly newer) blogge of gremliney grimpulsese

Prompted by the always-hilarious Mariell! A Star Wars sequel trilogy crack ficlet involving Rey's female presenting nipples. No pairings, only love (for the communities that came before and... our ability to still have fun, or whatever.)

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Rey kneeled by a riverbank on the forest planet Tumblor, stripped to the waist so she could properly clean her armpits. The water was cold as she splashed it on herself, raising gooseflesh on her arms and making her nipples stand out like glass pebbles. She used muddy handfuls of sand as her soap, scrubbing away a good layer of sweat.

"Rey?" came a voice. Finn, coming up behind her.

"Yes?" she called back.

"You almost done? I didn't mean it; I couldn't actually smell you earlier."

She stood, dabbing at her wet, naked torso with an old—but clean—shirt.

"Sure, well." She shivered a little. "I had to make sure. Can't face down the First Order smelling of old glowmilk."

"What's glowmilk?"

Rey shook her head. "You don't want to know. It's—"

There was a sound—continuous crashing—coming from their camp. Without pausing to don her shirt or redo her scarves, Rey ran out behind Finn, her towel-slash-shirt clutched to her front. A terrible sight awaited them: machines from the First Order, fire, sparks. Half the forest on one side of the Resistance camp had been clear-cut in an instant.

"You will surrender!" yelled Kylo Ren atop a big legged machine, lightsaber held threateningly out and down. He acknowledged Rey's arrival in the clearing with a glance before looking quickly away. "Kill them all!"

"Supreme Leader," came a snobby voice from inside a machine, "do have a care—"

"I refuse!" Kylo yelled. "Attack!"

His forces began to charge. Rey dropped the shirt she was holding to brandish her newly-repaired lightsaber, leaping to the front of the Resistance throng.

The First Order ground to an immediate halt before her. "Noooo!" one of them yelled. "Argh!" yelled another.

She adjusted her stance, unsure why they'd stopped firing. Her bare torso felt very vulnerable, but she wouldn't move to cover it; weakness might mean her own end.

Her opponents began to shield their eyes.

"What is happening?!" Kylo asked, ripping off his cowl in distress. He looked at Rey before snapping his gaze away like the sight of her burned him. "What is this?"

"Nipples hold untold power on the planet of Tumblor!" said a lackey, clutching at his own eyes. "They're the most dangerous thing there is."

"They are?" Kylo asked. His jaw set, and he ripped off his top. "Ha! Take that!"

For a moment his pecs glowed under the light of an alien sun, and the sight of them blinded Rey. It hurt her eyes, made her weak and sick and unable to stand—and then the feeling passed.

She—and the people around her—straightened.

"Why isn't it working?" Kylo asked.

"Ah, Supreme Leader—only female-presenting nipples are dangerous!"

"Female... presenting... what?"

Catching on, Rey spread her arms wide, letting the sunlight reflect off her bare chest. Her nipples stood out like innocent little buds—but they weren't innocent, were they? They were weapons of mass destruction, here.

"All vaguely female people!" she yelled at her army. "Take off your tops! We're going to win this!"

There was a rallying cry, and the people of the Resistance charged. Nipples shone on the forest planet of Tumblor, and they felled all before them, as female-presenting nipples were apparently wont to do.

THE END